#102 - Finding Strength Through Uncertainty and Rebuilding After Divorce 

Eric Blake: Welcome to another episode of the Simply Retirement Podcast. I am your host, Eric Blake, practicing retirement planner for over 25 years, founder of Blake Wealth Management, and I would not be the man I am today without the women in my life. On today's episode, I am going to be joined by Claudia Porter, wealth advisor at RFG Advisory.

 

Today we are going to talk about the difficult decision to move forward with divorce, overcoming fear and uncertainty, and what it can look like to navigate a major life transition with clarity, confidence, and direction. And before I introduce our guest, you might be asking, well, why would he have another financial advisor as a guest on his podcast?

And that is because Claudia and I are both with RFG Advisory. And in getting to know her, what stood out most to me is her story. It is a story of resilience, determination, and moving forward through difficult life transitions. And quite honestly, it actually resonates with me because I hear so much of what my mom went through, and I was the only child.

Claudia actually has four boys. But that desire to make it work, to show up for your family, it really hit home for me, and I was really excited to share this platform with Claudia so she could share her story, because I know it is one that is going to resonate with so many of you listening today.

Claudia Porter, welcome to the Simply Retirement Podcast.

Claudia Porter: Thank you, Eric. I am super excited to be here today.

Eric Blake: Absolutely. And we, again, we have gotten a chance to know each other, and I just have been inspired by the chance we got to talk a couple weeks ago now. And that is where I want to start.

I just want to start with your story. Just tell us a little bit about your journey, including your own experience going through divorce and what that looked like for you.

Claudia Porter: Yeah, thank you. So I am originally from Germany and moved here in 2001, and then met my now ex-husband a couple years after I got here.

And we fell in love, we got married, we had four boys in four and a half years. And really our marriage struggles began when we had three boys and a fourth one on the way. I was just exhausted, sleep deprived. It was very stressful, and we did have some hired help, but it was a lot to manage.

Simply what stood out for me during that time that was really stressful was that my husband was in control of all the finances, and a lot of things just felt like a moving target. I could never get anything right, and I did not have a say in anything. I was a professor at the time and taught very sporadically just to keep my foot in the door.

But he was, like I said, he was in control of all the finances. Things just got to a point where the marriage kept deteriorating. We were in couples therapy for quite some time. Then at some point he revealed that he had made sure I could never divorce him, because if I dared to divorce him, I would be homeless and penniless, because he had me sign a prenuptial agreement.

When we were still dating, I honestly did not quite understand what this was about at the time. We had not really talked about marriage. He kind of surprised me with this at a bank in front of a notary, and I did not really understand what it was.

He presented it as a formality, something that people sign here in the US when they get married. There had not been a proposal. I said, I do not understand what this document means, but trusted that he had my best interest at heart, because we were in love. And so I signed it.

Then he brought this up in couples therapy, and it really stopped me in my tracks. I was thinking, wait a minute, what does this mean? And so I called a friend, and she said, well, you have to find this document.

I found it after a two hour search in a folder in the basement that had my name on it. Then I reread it with eight more years of English and understood that I had the right to take it to an attorney.

I talked to one attorney, and he said, I am not touching this, because Oregon upholds all prenuptial agreements. What is going to end up happening, because your name is not on the title of the house and there is no spousal support, you are going to be living in a van with the four boys, because you cannot afford to rent a house in Portland.

I panicked. I thought, how is this possible? Then I started talking to other parents at my kids' school. They were just in preschool and kindergarten at the time.

One mother googled reasons why a prenuptial agreement may not be valid, and she handed me a list. On the top of the page there was the name of an attorney whose last name was the German word for angel. I thought, that is a sign, so I am going to call this guy.

I called him, and he ended up being my attorney. He gave me a free consultation. We talked through this, and he said, this does not sound right. It sounds like there may not be a meeting of the minds, because you did not have a legal consultation about this prenuptial agreement.

But we need to take him to court for this first, and then you can divorce him.

I did not know how to retain him, because he gave me this big number for his retainer, around five and a half to six thousand dollars. I taught very sporadically, so I had no idea how to come up with this money.

I grew up with ideals of being loyal and working things out so the kids have a home with two parents. So I kept trying to work things out, but it just kept deteriorating.

I got to a point where I realized this is not a good role model for my children. This is not a relationship they should emulate in any way. It is not healthy for me, and it is not healthy for them. I have to get out.

So what I ended up doing is I went to a diamond store and had the original diamonds of my wedding ring appraised. Then I decided to have synthetic stones made that looked identical so I could switch them out, but it would still look like the ring was on my finger.

I waited three weeks to have the stones cut just right. Then I went back three weeks later, switched out the stones, got my big check, and took it to the attorney and said, let's go.

I was terrified at that point. That was the start of the divorce, and I had no idea what would happen.

I was told I had to stay in the home so I would not abandon it. I had no idea how long I had to stay. It ended up being another full year before I was allowed to move out.

It was terrifying, and it was a hostile environment, especially after I filed for divorce. It was a very difficult time. I was always just taking the next step, but I did not really know what the whole path looked like.

Eric Blake: So what did you feel like your biggest personal struggle was as you were trying to make the decision and then starting to move forward?

Claudia Porter: I struggled with what my life would look like if I took that leap of faith. I had no idea what the finances would look like or how I would rebuild something and take care of four boys.

Taking that leap of faith, knowing only the next step and nothing beyond that, and trusting that the road would present itself, which it did, that was the hardest thing for me.

Eric Blake: Right. I wanted to ask you about journaling. In your book, you talked about how important it was during your journey. Can you share a little bit about that?

Claudia Porter: Journaling helped me because I felt very much caught up in a web where I could not really see clearly. Everything was foggy.

What journaling did was put some distance between me and what was going on. Then I could step back and look at it a few days or a week later and gain clarity.

It helped me see what was really happening. When you are raising four little boys and dealing with everything else, there is just no way to have clarity without stepping back.

Eric Blake: One thing that stood out is that your case actually set a precedent related to the prenuptial agreement. Can you talk about that?

Claudia Porter: There were three court hearings about the prenuptial agreement, and the judge threw it out because there was not a meeting of the minds. I did not have legal consultation, and it was too complex to understand.

Then there were seven more divorce hearings to resolve everything. I was awarded a small percentage of what my ex had and support for eight years.

He appealed all of the financial rulings to the Court of Appeals and then to the Supreme Court of Oregon. The Court of Appeals affirmed the case, and four years later the Supreme Court also affirmed it and dismissed the case.

This case set a precedent that you cannot just have someone sign a prenuptial agreement without legal consultation. It is now helping a lot of other people.

Eric Blake: That is an amazing story. At some point, you decided to get into financial services. How did that happen?

Claudia Porter: I got divorced in 2013. I was asked to stay in Portland for visitation purposes. I was in linguistics, but there were only adjunct teaching positions, and I could not support myself with that.

I found a position at a hospital supervising interpreters, but that only lasted a year. It felt like doors kept closing, and I had to figure out what to do next.

I took a deep dive into what I really wanted out of life. I did not want just a job. I wanted a career.

I connected with people at a rotary club and was invited to intern at a small wealth management firm. I fell in love with the business immediately.

After six months, I needed income, so I joined a larger brokerage firm to get a base salary and learn the industry. Over time, I found my way to being independent with RFG.

Eric Blake: How has your experience shaped the work you do today?

Claudia Porter: I am passionate about empowering people to make good decisions about their money. I help couples have conversations about finances so their relationships can be stronger.

I also help people going through major life transitions. It is hard to make good decisions when you are emotional, so helping them navigate that and realign their finances with their new life is incredibly meaningful to me.

Eric Blake: One of the things we talk about is slowing things down so better decisions can be made. How do you help clients do that?

Claudia Porter: I listen first. Then I focus on what is the most important thing right now. What is the one step they can take today?

We do not try to solve everything at once. We focus on what they can do with what they already have. That helps reduce overwhelm.

Eric Blake: What does a successful transition look like, not just financially but personally?

Claudia Porter: You have to ask yourself where you want to be five years from now. If you are in a painful situation that is not going to improve, the pain will only grow.

Success is letting go of the fear of uncertainty, trusting that the next step will present itself, and then taking action.

You also have to shift your mindset from why is this happening to me to why is this happening for me. That shift helps you look for solutions.

Eric Blake: How important is it to have the right team around you?

Claudia Porter: It is very important. You do not want to go through this alone. You need a good attorney, a financial planner, and possibly a divorce consultant.

You also need a trusted person to talk to, someone neutral who can be a sounding board. Having professionals who understand your situation makes a big difference.

Eric Blake: If someone is feeling overwhelmed right now, what is one small step they can take?

Claudia Porter: Ask yourself, what is the price of staying versus the price of moving? If you know you need to move forward, then ask, what can I do right now with what I have?

Focus only on the first step. Do not worry about the second step yet. And if needed, reach out to a trusted professional to help guide you.

Eric Blake: Can you share a bit about your books?

Claudia Porter: My first book, Women Wealth and Winning, encourages women to participate in financial conversations and take control of their financial future.

My second book, On the Other Side, focuses on creating success in the face of adversity and how to move forward from difficult situations.

Eric Blake: Is there anything else you would like to share?

Claudia Porter: I would encourage people to take action. Connect with a trusted financial professional who will listen to you and help guide you. Do not procrastinate.

Eric Blake: If someone wants to learn more about you, where can they connect?

Claudia Porter: They can find me at RFG Advisory and on LinkedIn. I am always happy to connect and have conversations.

Eric Blake: Claudia, thank you so much for joining me. This has been a great conversation.

As we wrap up, I want to share a quote from your book. Remember, the situations you face do not define you. How you respond to them does. You have within you an incredible capacity for resilience, growth, and love. Trust in that capacity, nurture it, and do not be afraid to lean on it when times get tough.

As always, thank you for listening. For all the links and resources mentioned, visit simplyretirementpodcast.com. Until next time, retirement is not the end of the road. It is the start of a new journey.