#130 - How Women Can Prepare Emotionally for Retirement

Eric Blake: Welcome to another episode of the Simply Retirement podcast. I am your host, Eric Blake. On today's show, I'm joined by Arlene Nelson. Arlene is a retirement confidence coach and founder of Arlene C. Nelson Coaching. She helps single, independent women prepare for the emotional side of retirement and build confidence in a life they want to create.

Many women spend years asking whether they can afford to retire, but today we're going to talk about preparing for the emotional side of that change, especially when you're entering retirement on your own. Arlene, welcome to the show.

Arlene Nelson: So great to be here. Thank you for having me.

Eric Blake: Absolutely. I've been excited about this ever since we actually had our first conversation about having you on the show, and we had a lot of synergies about who we work with, focused on women over 55. But I'm really fascinated by this dynamic of putting the emotional side and the financial side together to create better retirement outcomes. And I wanted to start by, actually, it was interesting, you said in the information you shared with me in advance, you talked about your own retirement experience. You retired about four years ago, and you said the first month was harder than you expected. What did that first month teach you about the emotional side of retirement, and how did you deal with it?

Arlene Nelson: Well, the first month was quite... I thought I was going to just slide into this retirement thing, and it was going to be perfect and happy, and I was going to be organized. And after the first week, it was like, "Wow, what do I do?" I'd wake up in the morning, and it's like, who am I? What do I need to do? What's my purpose? Does anybody need me anymore? Do I have any friends to call? And I just had a terrible time getting motivated in the morning. And it was interesting because I had a business in reiki and all these tools that I could use, and I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. There were a few days that I just didn't get out of bed. The Hallmark Channel loved me those days. And I didn't feel good about myself. And then I had some colleagues get in touch with me, and I said, "Hey, you know what? This is the slump I'm in. Can you guys help me out?"

And so with the little bit of motivation they gave me, and I knew what I had to do to do it, and it was just doing one step at a time, just like everything else in life, one step at a time. So I started getting up earlier in the morning, started exercising, and that's when it all kind of fell into place. It took time, one step at a time, but it was okay.

Eric Blake: How did that ultimately lead you to what you're doing today? So I mean, it doesn't sound like you were originally in the coaching space, but as far as, like, if you'd want to share your background and what ultimately led you to want to help other women with this emotional part of retirement.

Arlene Nelson: Exactly. Well, one morning I was laying there and I thought, "You know what? I can't be the only single person that's never been married with no children." And when you're in that slump, you think, "Oh, woe is me. I'm the only one this has ever happened to." But then I thought, "I bet I could help other people." And I've come from an operations department from a worldwide company, and I was organized, and everybody came to me for everything it seemed. And I thought, "Well, why can't I do this? I already am a Reiki master. I have an EFT, which is tapping. I'm a practitioner in that. So why can't I involve this?" And then a friend of mine was taking some coaching certificate courses on NLP and somatic coaching, and I thought, "Hey, this is perfect. This'll just kind of slide in." So I went back to school. And when I went in and took these courses, I sat down one day and I thought, "Wow, how did I ever make it through college or anything like that at 18?" This is tough, but it was beautiful. I loved it and learned so much. So then I just combined them, and then I thought, "Okay, let's get it together for some single women and see what's going to happen here."

Eric Blake: Well, so when you bring up single women, one of the things I wanted to ask you is, in our world, in the retirement planning world, women are single for different reasons. Sometimes they've been single for a while, but sometimes it's newly single, we'll call it, as a result of maybe getting divorced or being widowed. What has been your experience with the differences that women make when they're going through this transition as far as their own past experience, whether they've been single for a while versus whether they're newly single? What has been your experience in how they deal with this transition?

Arlene Nelson: Exactly. So if you're single like me, I've been single all my life.

Eric Blake: Okay.

Arlene Nelson: No long-term relationships or never got married. So I dealt with that, "Okay, I'm independent anyway, so that's okay. I can deal with that." But when women come in like newly divorced or just lost their husbands or something like that, that's a huge identity shift for them, and they have to change their purpose. And just to work with their nervous system and developing a new identity for them and getting rid of their fears of being alone and stuff like that. And I find I work with a lot of somatic work on that, because a lot of those fears will sit in their body, then they'll physically get sick or physically start having headaches and things like that. So we work on that and get them out of that slump. I usually start out with 90 days with them and three 90-minute sessions with in-between check-ins, that type of thing. Because this is not something you can wake up the next morning and say, "Hey, I'm single now. Everything's going to be fine," because sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes those fears, it might be a small fear of something that maybe your parents said to you or your teacher said to you when you were young, and that could be coming into play. So we can go back and deal with that and move on as well, too.

Eric Blake: So you mentioned the word, and I apologize if I'm getting this wrong, I want to make sure I'm clear. You said somatic, you work on the somatic level. Can you explain what that means just so our audience has a clear understanding? Because I think to me, the work that you do and helping overcome these fears, but I think it really would help to understand kind of the foundation of what that work involves and how you might be different from other retirement coaches is really what I'd like to hear as well.

Arlene Nelson: Somatic coaching is connecting the mind and the body together. Like when you have an emotion or your feelings, where is that sitting in your body?

Eric Blake: Wow.

Arlene Nelson: And how can we release that from your body that way? So somatic is the mind-body connection, mind-soul connection. Whereas if we need to go back and maybe that fear is coming up from your childhood, something said, even to the point of money doesn't grow on trees. You know, that sticks in your mind. That sticks in your subconscious mind. So then you can go in with the NLP work. We go in and we clear up those filters out of your subconscious, and then we connect it with your conscious mind so you're kind of on the same page so it's easier to move on. And that's how I work with NLP coaching.

Eric Blake: Can you explain NLP coaching as well? Because I have some familiarity with that with some of the research and things I've done, but can you explain what that is as well so it kind of ties together?

Arlene Nelson: Yeah. It's neuro-linguistic programming. Okay. So between zero and seven, that's when you learn everything, and that's what sits in your subconscious mind. So all these things, good, bad, or whatever, sit there. And sometimes you get all these things thrown at you. You get millions of things thrown at you every second per day, but your subconscious mind can't handle all of those. So it only takes a portion, and it generalizes and distorts and deletes them, and it keeps what is relevant to you. Sometimes that may be stuck in your subconscious mind for life, and then it'll come up. It'll rear up a fear or something that has happened years ago. So then when you bring that up, we work on that, and we release it. And we can do that through the somatic coaching or release system. And then you create a new pattern, and then we can release that, and then we can move on creating new patterns.

Eric Blake: If I'm understanding what you're saying is, you know, we've had retirement coaches on in the past, and it seems to be a lot about, you didn't prepare thoroughly for retirement, so now you got to figure out what you're going to do. Right? So it sounds like you faced some of that. But it sounds like the work you're doing goes even a little deeper. It gets more into the actual emotions of, "Maybe if I didn't prepare because I was somewhat scared of what the next phase of life looked like, how do I deal with that piece?" Versus just, "Well, I just don't know what to do with my time." It's, what are the fears that I'm facing and why am I... Maybe I'm afraid to take action, and why would that be?

Arlene Nelson: Exactly. And being single, sometimes you just don't have enough money, or you didn't make the money that you would if you were a couple or something like that. And so we take those beliefs that you have, those limiting beliefs, and we work with them, and we overcome those fears by doing a release with somatic coaching or even emotional freedom technique tapping, because that can settle your nervous system down, and then you can look at these things better.

Eric Blake: Maybe give an example?

Arlene Nelson: One thing that comes up is, okay, you're looking at your accounts. You get this tightness in your chest. That will happen. So then I can either go in and we'll talk about where is that fear sitting, and then there's a series of questions. And everyone's different, so it'll be different for each client. But what is your fear of running out of money? What will happen? What's your negative thoughts and emotions about running out of money? And then we can work through that. And when we go through these emotions, we can either release them by tapping, or we can release these emotions by somatic coaching or root cause coaching. Just get down to the root of why do you have this fear, and then you can turn that around into a belief. And after tapping or after so long and you balance your nervous system, then you'll get these aha moments. It's like, "Hmm, that doesn't sound so bad after all. Maybe I can do this. Well, if I can't make ends meet, what's wrong with getting a part-time job? What's wrong with maybe finding my niche in life and teaching someone else how to do that?" I don't do that for them. They come up with all these things. I just hold the space and the container for them and guide them to find these releases that they can come up with.

Eric Blake: Well, so it sounds like a lot of the work you're doing is a lot of helping people go through a self-discovery process.

Arlene Nelson: Oh, they do, yes.

Eric Blake: And not only just to acknowledge the fear, but just understanding what's the source of the fear. I'd be curious, you know, unfortunately, we know how big of a role money plays in life, especially when we're talking about retirement and you getting to the end of the road and you feel like, "Hey, I want to retire here very soon." Now we get into the emotional concerns of, you've brought it up, the fear of running out of money. That's... I deal with that too, right? When we're working with our clients and we're talking about, "Well, you know, now there's not going to be a salary coming in. There's not going to be a paycheck. We're going to help you build a paycheck from your assets you've accumulated." But there's just a different emotional component to that phase of life. What has been your experience with how much of the fear or the uncertainty that comes from the clients you work with is a result of a connection to money?

Arlene Nelson: In my case, a few months before I retired, I was frustrated because I wanted to do a forecast for a year to see where I was going to be at, but I couldn't get any solid answers. Like, here we have the Canadian Pension Program and Old Age Security, so I knew I had those two coming in. But I didn't know exactly how much. And then when my pension, I had a company pension, I finally got a ballpark figure from them. So I would just do my forecast, overspend and think, "Okay, I think I can do this. This'll be fine." And then also my coaching income. When I got this all together, I thought, "I am going to be able to make it." And I want to help women overcome that and try and figure out where their income's going to be coming from.

Eric Blake: Hi, everyone. It's Eric. Hope you're enjoying today's episode. I want to take just a quick moment to share a resource I think you'll find really valuable. If you've ever asked yourself, "How much is my Social Security reduced if I file early?" Or, "Am I eligible for benefits as a spouse, surviving spouse, or even after divorce?" You're not alone. That's why we created our ultimate guide to women's Social Security success. It includes six of our most popular Social Security guides and checklists for women. Inside you'll find a 2026 quick reference guide with key Social Security amounts and limits to be aware of, along with five additional guides and checklists to help you make more informed decisions about eligibility and filing strategies. You can download it for free at womenssocialsecurityguide.com. Keep it handy wherever you may be in the decision-making process. Now back to the episode.

As you've engaged with different clients over the years, as you started working with more and more women, do you notice a difference in terms of the fears or the responses you get from women who may have actually worked with a financial advisor versus someone who hasn't?

Arlene Nelson: Yes. Actually, I have. I find the independent women who actually have a financial plan and they're doing okay, they still have those fears, those emotional feelings of being alone. Are people going to call me? Am I going to be fine? And then there's the women who don't have financial plans because they don't feel they're worthy enough to have a financial plan because they didn't make enough money. They weren't taught the value of investing $20 a month, how it could help them, and how just even investing that much can change their nervous system and how they can think differently. And it's scary for them. So when I work with them, and if they're worried about money, I put them onto a financial advisor as well as work with them over their fears, because they just need that guidance. And it's amazing how many women out there think, "Well, if I talk to a financial advisor, that's going to cost me money," and no, it doesn't. It doesn't cost anything to talk.

Eric Blake: Right. Well, and I think it's interesting that, you know, I think about my own situation. I've shared my story on the episode or on the podcast before. You know, thinking about my grandmother was widowed when she was 62. She's now 91. And you think about almost 30 years as a widow, and those challenges she faced of now trying to make these decisions on my own, right?

Arlene Nelson: Yeah.

Eric Blake: Even like my mom, she was divorced before I was two years old, so I never actually knew my biological father. And seeing women who are in these situations, again, whether they've been single for years and years or they're recently single, like we talked about from the beginning, is having that other voice or that other person beside you saying, "Hey, what do you think about this?" And that's really where the role I feel like, as financial planners, specifically for our practice, where we do focus on working with women, is just being that other voice, that sounding board.

Arlene Nelson: Exactly.

Eric Blake: And that's where I feel like if someone like you, if they have those hesitancies and they're worried about talking with a financial advisor, getting them over that hump, and you talk a lot about just these small victories, just picking up the phone, right? Maybe scrolling through the website, saying, "Let me search for financial advisors that work with women," something along those lines, just the small victories. Can you talk about the importance of just taking a step?

Arlene Nelson: Just taking one step does amazing things to your nervous system, because you feel good. How often do you put things off to do, even at home? Just anything during the day. You take that one step, and that just makes you feel so much better, and it encourages you on to take the second step then. And so I check the website. Hmm, it's got a phone number. Hmm, kind of like this guy. And then a couple of days later, I'm going to call him. And then you call him, and that helps balance the nervous system, and that's where I can come in and help. Well, what are your negative thoughts and emotions about talking to a financial advisor? What would happen if you did talk to someone? What do you want instead? So encouraging them. And there are a few people that I've given some advice to, don't do it, but then they come back and say, "Oh, I should've done that." Yeah, okay.

Eric Blake: All right. Yeah, so you're kind of new to the coaching thing. I've been doing this for a long... We're unfortunately approaching, well, not unfortunately, approaching 30 years.

Arlene Nelson: Yeah.

Eric Blake: So you see, especially in the financial world, you see that, you say, "Yeah, but if you had followed my advice, you know, something might've been a little bit better."

Arlene Nelson: Yeah. I used to do that when I did massage too, because people would come for a massage, and I'd say, "Okay, well, work on this between now and your next appointment." And, "Oh, I forgot." And then six months later they'll come back and say, "Oh, I did this and it's great." And it's like, "What I told you."

Eric Blake: Well, but that is one, as you know, doing the whole I-told-you-so thing doesn't really work. That doesn't initially build a lot of confidence or trust going forward.

Arlene Nelson: No.

Eric Blake: So we have to do our best to avoid that and maybe reinforce it in other ways.

Arlene Nelson: You just have to hold space for them and just say, "This is not the right time." And when the time is right, it's going to be beautiful, they're going to call, and they're going to feel much better.

Eric Blake: Well, and I think, just as what I've even just taken from you in our conversation right now, is being willing to step back and say, "Okay, where are they coming from? Where was that decision?" It's not always simply delaying because it's procrastination. It might be, but there's probably something deeper behind that procrastination that I think I, as a financial advisor, need to make sure I'm focused on, what's the why behind the lack of action in certain cases.

Arlene Nelson: Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Eric Blake: And one of the things I would like to, you talked about it yourself even with the things you experienced, because retirement can bring a lot of questions. You touched on it very early on about, you know, who am I now? What is going to give my life meaning? How can someone start to explore some of those questions without feeling like they need all the answers right away?

Arlene Nelson: I would start working with them with what is their number one fear? And then we go from there. That could be branching off into maybe that fear is from a while ago. We might have to do some root cause coaching on that and figure out, get rid of that fear from a while ago. Maybe do a quantum release, using timeline therapy, that type of thing. I don't find that as much as just working with somatic coaching. And yeah, we'd start out with that. But every individual is different, because they're going to come to me and one's going to say they're just scared to retire, and another one will say, "I'll never retire because I'll never have enough money." You hear that a lot.

Eric Blake: Mm-hmm.

Arlene Nelson: It's basically how I would start out with them. It's just working with them. I always start out with a 30-minute free conversation at where they're at, and then tell them what they could do. And that may change. That whole route may change halfway through, too.

Eric Blake: And I think it's interesting that a lot of the talk, you brought up the idea of some of these fears happening going all the way back to early childhood, and I think that's also something that I've seen a lot of times actually happens with money. And the way people think about money and the decisions they make about money, it's from things that happened in their lives very early on, very, very young. Maybe it's even how their parents or how their grandparents made decisions about money, or even how often they communicated about money. Maybe not at all. You hear that a lot where it just wasn't discussed. So how would I ever really learn this myself if it really wasn't discussed by my parents when I was younger? And you're really just kind of learning it as you go, and that can be really challenging. And I expect that that's kind of what you can help out with, is again, just talking that out and thinking about, where did this fear really come from? What's the origination of this?

Arlene Nelson: Exactly. And sometimes that's what we have to do, is go back. Like I can remember as a child, we didn't get anything if my dad didn't have the money to buy it.

Eric Blake: Mm-hmm. I wanted to ask you, as far as generally who you work with, is it women that have retired and now they kind of find themselves stuck and now you're trying to help them get out of that, or is it women that are approaching retirement and they're kind of afraid of retirement? Where does your, if you call it a specialty, do you have a specialty as far as, you know, a stage of life that you feel like you're most able to help women?

Arlene Nelson: Actually, yes. I usually work with women who are approaching retirement.

Eric Blake: Okay.

Arlene Nelson: Anyone 55 or older. I mean, if anybody wants to talk about it, of course I'm going to talk about it. I haven't worked with anyone who's already been into retirement.

Eric Blake: Okay.

Arlene Nelson: But I think there are some out there that just would like the confirmation that what they're doing is okay.

Eric Blake: Well, and the reason I ask is because one of the things we talk a lot about in our practice is practicing retirement. And that could be simply saying, "Okay, if you tell me, 'Hey, I can live on $5,000 a month when I retire.' Well, okay, let's try that for the last 18 or 24 months before you actually retire. Let's try that. Let's live on 5,000 a month and see how it goes." Or doing the things, I always kind of use the pickleball example, and I play pickleball myself, but if you think you're going to play pickleball in retirement, maybe you need to start taking some pickleball classes or courses before you retire. What are your thoughts around that aspect of saying, "Okay, what can I do to start preparing to be better, to feel better about my retirement scenario or what my retirement's going to look like when I actually get there?"

Arlene Nelson: Mm-hmm. Exactly. That's very interesting. I like that concept a lot, and that's certainly something as an observation for my clients I could bring in. And especially if they're working with a financial advisor and they come to me and say, "He said I should live on $5,000 a month." So then we could go through, "Well, what's your negative thoughts and emotions about that? What's the problem?"

Eric Blake: Well, I would say, as a financial advisor, I don't necessarily see it as our role to tell someone what they're going to live on, but help them identify what's realistic, and then, okay, can we stay within those parameters?

Arlene Nelson: Exactly. I know you're just using an example, which is a great idea. I love that.

Eric Blake: Well, this has been really interesting, Arlene. If you don't mind, before we wrap up, where can listeners learn more about you, your coaching, and where can they connect with you online?

Arlene Nelson: Okay. My website is www.arlenecnelson.com.

Eric Blake: Perfect.

Arlene Nelson: And I'm on Facebook and LinkedIn as well.

Eric Blake: Excellent. Well, we will definitely share those resources in the show notes of this episode. Arlene, thank you so much for joining me. We'll include all that information, your contact details, the website. You can find that at simplyretirementpodcast.com. If you're approaching retirement on your own and you want support with the emotional side of that transition, please consider reaching out to Arlene and finding some additional resources that can support you during that journey.

Please be sure to also follow the podcast so you're notified when new episodes are released.

And until next time, please remember, retirement is not the end of the road. It's the start of a new journey.