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#86 - Taking Control During Divorce: How Coaching Can Help You Make More Confident Decisions

Eric Blake: "I'm on a mission to change the way people divorce. I do not believe it has to be as ugly, as expensive, as time-consuming as it is for so many people. Coaching plays a huge role in how we are going to change the face of divorce from the ugliness it used to be into what I believe it can be." - Karen Covy

Welcome to another episode of the Simply Retirement Podcast, where we want to empower and educate women to live your retirement on your terms. I'm your host, Eric Blake, a practicing retirement planner with over 25 years of experience, founder of Blake Wealth Management, and I would not be the man I am today without the women in my life.

As I've shared before, doing this podcast has opened so many doors for me to connect with incredible professionals doing meaningful work. I first heard today’s guest, Karen Covey, on the Purse Strings Podcast with Dr. Barbara Provost and Maggie Nielsen, two amazing women. I've been fortunate enough to know Karen for a few years since then. Karen and I have had a chance to connect over the last couple of months, and I recently had the privilege of joining her on her Off the Fence podcast to talk about the complexities of Social Security planning when navigating, or finding yourself on the other side of, divorce.

In just a short time, I've become a huge fan of her show, especially her coaching session episodes, which give such a powerful window into how valuable divorce coaching can be. They've deepened my understanding of what so many women experience during these transitions and helped me better support my own clients through those conversations.

So if you're navigating the emotional and financial challenges of divorce, or even just wondering how to prepare should that day ever come, this episode is for you. Karen Covey is a divorce coach, attorney mediator, and host of the Off the Fence podcast. Karen Covey, welcome to the Simply Retirement Podcast.

Karen Covy: Thank you, Eric. It's a pleasure to be here.

Eric Blake: I’m so glad you're here. We've gotten a chance to know each other just a little bit over the last several weeks, and I’m so excited to have you on. I've been looking forward to this, and I want to start with something that really stood out to me and that I shared at the top of the show.

“I am on a mission to change the way people divorce.” That is such a powerful statement. If you wouldn’t mind, share what inspired that message and how it shapes the work you do now with clients.

Karen Covy: A couple of things, and thank you for the question. I've been a lawyer for more decades than I care to admit, and I started my own practice many decades ago. I had already been a lawyer for 10 years before I started my own practice.

When I did, I literally opened up the office with new furniture and had nothing. I said to everybody I knew, I will take any kind of case there is except divorce. And you know what they say: when you make plans, God, or the universe, or whatever you call the power that is, laughs.

Somebody was laughing at me because client after client kept coming, saying, “Karen, can you help me with my divorce?” “Karen, do you know a good divorce lawyer?” And finally, I was sitting in my office, threw up my hands, and said, “Okay, I get it. I'll do divorce.”

When I went to divorce court, what I saw there shocked me. It didn’t make sense to me. I had been in all kinds of different courtrooms, practicing law in different areas for a decade. It's one thing to put the CEO of a company that manufactured some drug that killed tons of people on the stand and rip his face off in cross-examination.

But when it's your spouse, and you have to go sit next to them at your kid's soccer game, there is no universe where that makes sense. From the get-go, I kept looking for a better way, which is why I became a mediator, why I went into collaborative divorce, and on and on.

Finally, at one point, I realized there was a gap between what people think a lawyer is going to do and what a lawyer is really going to do, and between what people think they need in divorce and what they really get. Coaching fills that gap. That’s why I went into divorce coaching.

Eric Blake: One of the things I also want to revisit is a conversation I heard when you were with Barb and Maggie on the Purse Strings Podcast. You discussed how most people just jump straight into filing for divorce, choosing litigation or mediation or collaborative divorce without ever really stepping back to evaluate their options.

You made the point that working with a coach first can actually help you decide which option is best, beyond just helping with the emotional aspects. Can you talk about why it is so important for women to understand that they actually have choices as they go through this?

Karen Covy: Look, this isn't the 1950s anymore. There are many ways to do divorce. Back in the day, you went to a lawyer, filed in court, served your spouse, and you were off to the races.

Now there are so many different ways to get through a divorce, and the process you use directly affects not only the outcome, but the experience you have along the way. It's important to choose the right divorce process for you.

The problem is most people go to a lawyer first. What they don’t understand is that most lawyers don’t do every kind of process. They do what they’re good at. So when you go into that lawyer’s office, they’re telling you not what’s best for you, but what they do.

That means you never really get the opportunity to choose your own divorce process. A coach understands all the options and can explain how each works, and more importantly, which one is likely best for you and why. Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. You have to choose the process that fits your situation and your goals. If you don’t, you make a big mess, spend a ton of money, and go through way more pain than necessary.

Eric Blake: One thing I find interesting is that you’ve sat on the attorney side of the table and seen how that works, the ugliness and everything that goes into it, and then made the decision to transition into coaching. What do you see as the biggest advantage of that?

Karen Covy: It's huge. Most attorneys specialize in one thing, and attorneys are also limited geographically. Your license is only good in the states where you’re licensed.

As a divorce coach, I help people all over the country and all over the world, which surprised me as much as anyone else. I take people from the point where they're deciding, “Do I stay or do I go?” all the way through divorce and beyond into rebuilding their lives.

That’s something no lawyer can do. Do you need a divorce lawyer? Yes, absolutely. But the law is about 10% of divorce. The other 90% is psychology, emotions, finances, family, and practical decisions. Where do you live? How do you talk to your spouse? What do you do first, second, third?

Lawyers don’t deal with all of that, and even if they did, they’re very expensive to use for common-sense guidance. A coach helps guide you to do the right thing at the right time, in the right way.

Eric Blake: You and I have talked about how difficult it is for professionals to truly specialize across very different phases. Do you find that coaching is more important on the front end of divorce versus on the other side, or can one coach handle both?

Karen Covy: Lawyer answer: it depends. I primarily work on the front end when people are deciding whether to stay or leave, because that’s where people get stuck for years. Almost no one looks back after divorce and says they jumped too fast. Most say they waited too long.

Planning and preparing early makes a huge difference. I can work with people on the back end, but others specialize there. Where I help most after divorce is with parenting issues, especially high-conflict situations, because my legal background informs that work.

Eric Blake: Divorce overall may be trending down, but gray divorce continues to rise. For women feeling uncertain about whether to stay or leave, with so much at stake, how do you help them make that decision with as little regret as possible?

Karen Covy: You can’t make a good decision without understanding your options and how the process works. No one has a crystal ball, but experience tells us what is likely to happen.

With gray divorce, there is a real timeline. If you wait too long, you can get stuck. I’ve seen clients wait so long that illness, addiction, or guilt makes leaving feel impossible. Sooner is almost always better than later.

Eric Blake: You talk a lot about decision-making and being the CEO of your divorce. Why is this stage so critical?

Karen Covy: Not everyone in a long-term marriage should get divorced. But if it’s not right for you, how do you make the life you have closer to what you want? Coaching is about exploring options, values, and scenarios so your choices align with who you are and how you want to live.

Eric Blake: What financial mistakes do you see most often when women divorce later in life?

Karen Covy: Many women don’t know their financial situation at all. Without data, you can’t evaluate options. Others assume long marriages guarantee lifelong support, which often isn’t true. Waiting too long makes decisions harder and options more limited.

Eric Blake: I had a prospective client recently who had never spoken to the family’s financial advisor in 20 years of marriage. From your perspective, how would you encourage women to be more proactive before divorce is even discussed?

Karen Covy: Once divorce is in the air, information disappears. It’s much easier to gather it beforehand. Every woman needs to understand her finances, whether or not divorce is on the table. Meet the financial advisor, ask questions, and if they won’t explain things, that’s a problem.

If your spouse died tomorrow, would you know where everything is? The time to start is now.

Eric Blake: You often talk about being the CEO of your own divorce. What does that really mean?

Karen Covy: Most people hand their divorce to a lawyer and expect them to handle everything. Lawyers handle the legal part, and that’s it. No one coordinates finances, housing, kids, timing, or strategy.

As a coach, I help clients quarterback the whole process. I help them build the right team and take ownership. No one will ever care more about your divorce than you. When you take charge, you come out stronger and more confident on the other side.

Eric Blake: For someone feeling stuck or overwhelmed, what are one or two practical steps they can take right now?

Karen Covy: First, understand your finances. Second, get a divorce coach. A professional helps you ask the questions you don’t even know to ask and build a strategy that goes beyond just the legal process.

Eric Blake: For someone who wants to connect with you, what does that process look like?

Karen Covy: Go to my website, karencovey.com, fill out the contact form, and someone from my team will get back to you within 24 to 48 hours.

Eric Blake: Are there other resources you’d like to share?

Karen Covy: I’m everywhere as Karen Covey—YouTube, LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok.

Eric Blake: I’ll also say I’ve learned so much from your podcast, especially the coaching episodes. They really give people direction when they feel lost.

Karen Covy: Thank you so much. The Off the Fence Podcast is available everywhere you get podcasts, and Breakthrough Divorce Coaching is a special series within it.

Eric Blake: We’ll make sure all links are in the show notes. Karen, thank you so much for joining me. This has been an insightful and empowering conversation.

If you’re navigating divorce, remember that having the right guidance and strategy can make all the difference. Karen also offers a free divorce process comparison chart at thekarencovey.com/freechart.

Karen Covy: Yes, it’s a one-page cheat sheet to help you choose the right process.

Eric Blake: Perfect. That’s it for today’s episode. For all the links and resources mentioned, visit thesimplyretirementpodcast.com. Please remember, retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the start of a new journey.

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